The bus is half empty today. Are people driving in to work because they’re afraid of catching swine flu on mass transit? Should I be wearing a mask? Is that person behind me coughing?

Sometimes I feel that my personal panic button is permanently mashed down. Thanks a lot, MEDIA!

Really, it’s stupid of me to blame the media for my constant state of anxiety, isn’t it? Because there’s really no such thing as “the media,” just as there’s no such thing as “the man” (as in, sticking it to “the man”).

I used to be a newspaper editor so I’ve seen the slimy underbelly first hand. Listen to me: There is no amorphous mass called “the media” that thinks with one mind. It just feels as if there is.

If I didn’t know any better, here’s how I’d think “the media” worked:

All the big shot editors in the world gather each morning around a round, Dr. Strange Love table in an underground bunker somewhere at NORAD. Like high rollers out to corner the pork belly market (maybe that’s a bad choice of similes today), they collude with each other to whip us into a daily frenzy. They’re all smoking big stogies, even the women, especially the women, and laughing like crows.

– “ ‘Pandemic’ is too long to fit into a headline. Just use the word ‘doom’ ….”

– “I kinda like ‘aporkalpyse’…”

– “What about the recession? Does it still have legs?”

– “Nah, people are sick of that. Call the White House and see if Obama has the flu. Better yet, call Susan Boyle…”

But it’s not like that (except maybe at FOX). Here’s how typical editors decide on news coverage. Are you ready for this? They look at their competitors and see what they have, and then they go with that. They are covering their butts, making sure they don’t get chewed on by the higher ups.

So the ultimate goal is not audience manipulation: it’s butt protection.

It seems like they’re in collusion, but all they’re really doing is constantly looking at each other for validation that crap is important. It’s not conspiracy; it’s just plain old fear of an ass whuppin’. So there you have it.

Still, if you’re a really good journalist, and believe me, they’re still out there, I’m married to one, you go find stuff out. Then you ask yourself: Does this matter? Can someone benefit from knowing this? And if the answer is anywhere near yes, you run with it.