There was a gullywasher in downtown Houston this afternoon, and by the time my bus got to the park-and-ride, it looked as if a small tornado had ripped through. Most of the spindly trees Metro had planted after Hurricane Ike were either knocked over or split in two. All the cars were being diverted off the HOV lane into the park-and-ride lot, so it was gridlock trying to get out of there.

On the side streets, the traffic snarled around shredded styrafoam that looked like snow and a trash can in the middle of one lane. The traffic lights were out, so I prayed, “Jesus, help me and all these other people get through this light.” And we all did.

The next light, on the feeder of Highway 59, was also out, and even scarier. Traffic was inching along when I saw her, a homeless woman standing between the lanes with a walking cane and a sign scrawled “Need Help With Rent.”

“Please get out of the road,” I said, but she couldn’t hear me — I had the windows rolled up and I was four cars away from her. I hate it when people go into traffic to beg for money. There’s an extra layer of pathetic about that practice.

So here was my dilemma — do I give her money and encourage her dangerous habit, or do I drive on by her, an inch at a time?

A woman driver in the next lane over rolled down her window and stuck some bills out. The homeless woman took the bills, raised them to the sky and said, “Thank you Jesus.” I could see then that she had no teeth.

Another driver did the same thing and got the same reaction. It was a prosperous day for the homeless woman. Now it was my turn. I rolled down the driver’s side window and gave her all the money in my gym bag. Enough to buy a sandwich in the downtown tunnels.

“Thank you,” she told me.

“Be careful,” I told her.

Our eyes met and she looked as if she wanted to cry.

So did I.

1. Do not sit by someone whose butt sloshes over to your side of the seat.

2. Do not sit by someone who stacks all of their crap in their lap. This makes it virtually impossible for you to crawl over them in case of an emergency exit.

3. Do not sit by someone who exudes any odor. Unless they smell like donuts.

4. Never talk to anyone else riding the bus. They’ll think you are a Martian. It just isn’t done.

5. Never be deluded into thinking that you are in your own personal cone of silence when talking on your cell phone. We hear every word you tell your ex. Or your doctor. Or your therapist.

On my bus ride to downtown Houston this morning, I see a string of cars, miles long, parked on the shoulder of the freeway, waiting.

The side streets along Highway 59 are all flooded, and some cars are stranded with water up to the door. Can’t see if anyone is inside.

I can’t figure out what all the people parked on the shoulder of the highway are waiting for. It could be hours before the waters recede. And there could be more rain coming. Are they going to stay there all morning, talking on their cell phones? Isn’t there a place somewhere down the road to take refuge in?

Why do people do this? Is this the reason flight attendants have to scream at passengers to exit a crashed plane?

Honestly, the whole nation feels like it’s parked on the side of the freeway right now, waiting for the recession to recede.

People, get moving! Don’t stop ‘til you get to the I-Hop!